vox

It is my ego again

All these wanting and dissatisfaction got me wondering if I actually applied all the New Age philosophies I have read. I've been reading a fair bit of those books for the past two years and the fact that I don't apply any of the techniques is actually detrimental to my life. To relive and remember some of the stuff I read, I tried reading Eckhart Tolle's New Earth again. Like many other New Age philosophers, it goes back to the issue of the ego and the material world. The ego is not our true self. It is what our conditioning, background and past memories that shape the ego. Our true self is the I AM and it is more powerful than anything. The ego seeks to destroy and it feeds on what we want, things that we are attached to and also our identification through our possessions and bodies. To truly live a free life is to live a life that is free from the ego and to be enlightened.

When you focus on the I AM and not your name, job, race, religion, possessions, wants, dreams, goals and so on, you begin to realise that your inner being is awakened. You are complete and there is nothing in the world that means to you anymore. Another book that I read (which I forgot the name) also talks about detachment and living out of the world. When we are caught up with the material things and relationships, we forget our true self. To be successful in life, to be truly happy is when you let go of all these things and say you are complete. With detachment, you are able to attain whatever you want.

I know that when I seek for someone or search for a job or try to buy something or want to travel - that is when I know I feel emptiness and that the is ego speaking. It thrives on needs, longing and attachment. This could be called sin as Tolle puts it. Right now, the most important thing is to be and to be the I AM. I will read all Tolle's book again and apply these important teachings in my life. There is nothing to lose but all to gain. I'll also read the other books that talk about this theories so that I can compare notes and see if this works for me.

As He says, "Take heart, for I have overcome the world"

Demons I made

Maybe I am too complacent. Too much time in my hands. Dissatisfied with life. That is why I created demons in my head although everything is really fine and dandy. I can't see the good things I have because my eyes are covered with wrong perceptions, high expectations and idealistic thoughts. Why can't I see the blessings I have? I don't get it.

Unhappy with the pay, I try to find a new job. I go lengths to find it, using resources like time and money, lies and leaves. And in the end, I'm stuck with the same thing, getting frustrated and unhappier than ever. Then I create demons that were not there in the first place. Smoke and mirrors. Overthinking and overanalysing, making a scene when nothing happened.

Feeling like crap. Using other things to get my mind off unhappy stuff. Finding fault here and there. Being an ungrateful person. I don't even feel like blogging about it. I just want to crawl under my covers and sleep my troubles away.

Something's on my mind

I usually blog only when I have something on my mind or I feel strongly about something. The fact that I have been blogging regularly only means one thing - I definitely have things on my mind. Like my current situation (if you can call it a situation at all). The guy not interested in me, the hanging job application. It doesn't make a lot of difference if nothing changes but if it does, it plays two huge chunks in my life. In fact, two of the biggest parts in my life as of right now. I can blame it on the monthly blues or I can just blame it on things not working out and stars not being aligned properly.

So I have been single for close to two years. Doesn't make a lot of difference either because for most part of my life I am single. Yeah, I have had long-term crushes that led to no where but hopelessneess and I am not going to go through another unrequited love case. Too emotionally-draining and waste of thought space. Other more productive things can replace that instead. So right now I am just slowly trying to rid of the guy in my mind. Besides, its just like seeing someone at a club. Eventually you will forget about that guy.

I am pretty sure over the past months I was attracted to some guy, I remember talking about them. But to name them all now, I probably can only name one because I can't remember liking the rest! So yeah, it is not that hard to forget someone especially when there was no history built on it and nothing ever started. To think about it, it is quite silly because even if something happens, he lives too far away from me and it will be tough. I don't do LDRs anymore unless we had a strong foundation to begin with.

On career, I kind of like being here now. I guess it is really about seeing with new eyes instead of wanting new landscapes. Yes, I earn peanuts but I have very little work each month and to a certain extend I do enjoy my w ork. I don't dread going to work and I don't want to stab myself repeatly each time I am in the office. It has become a part of my life that I don't mind it anymore. Something like showering. You have to do it everyday for the rest of your life and you don't mind because it is a necessity.

I probably won't go for the SIA interview as well. As I said before, the thought of sitting or being in an airplane everyday. It is kind of unthinkable. I love travelling but at my own time and with company I enjoy being with. Right now, I can put travelling in the back burner and just make sure my bank balance doesn't tip so dangerously low anymore. Being financially unstable is such a bad feeling. Money is not the most important thing in life but it still keeps us going, with things that we need to buy.

So dad gave me the book to read and it seems interesting, embarking on a 60-day non human journey. I think I should finish the book first to get a good understanding of what I am committing myself into before starting it. It looks very promising and to be able to live outside of this world is amazing because sometimes things in the third dimension does give me a hard time.

Striving for a partner, career, looks, money. All these things can be forgone and to achieve spirituality would be awesome. I think there is such thing as a fourth dimension as well as a fifth dimension. To die to self, and discover the Christ within - isn't that what my faith is all about? If He can give up everything for us, it should not be too hard as he was human too.

I seem to be babbling now but I just wanted to be able to free my mind by jotting down my thoughts and let it all go. The past few years of my life has been rather interesting. I recovered from the worst parts, went to Australia, had a great time, came back, found a job and here I am. I want to go back to the routine life I am so accustomed to. Work/Gym/Dramas/Sleep and the cycle goes like this everyday till the weekends then it is Hangout/Church/Hangout and then Sundays Family Time. During those routine days I had no problems and I was hardly anxious or feeling bad.

All I had to do was enjoy each moment of my life without having any worries of a partner and a career. Everything was going on fine and the safe routine keeps me sane. It is my comfort zone and my safety bubble. For today, I hope to go back to that groove and forget the past.

The Ups in the Rollercoaster

So another wonderful weekend in SG came and went by. A lot of things happened those two days and subsequently things are still happening even now. I enjoyed myself there although I fell sick when I landed. I blame the air there but could be my immune system after eating so much junk. Also, I have stopped Insanity again after 10 days. I can't go on it long I think also because of my knees. I'm starting to feel that pain again. It's a good thing that it is the time of the month so I can rest and perhaps go back to gym.

I met a guy when I was in Singapore and although we didn't really converse, I was attracted to him somehow. He didn't attempt to talk to me much though as we were in a group and besides, we were really far apart. I guess he didn't want to see me that much the next day either because he did not come to visit us at the convention centre. I left without much hope, thinking that I may never see him again or contact him because all I have is his name.

Back at work nothing much happened and life was back to normal although I did ask Z if she can get me his Facebook account. Apparently, A had his number on her phone all along but she was so drunk that day that she didn't remember. Anyway, I decided to just add him on Facebook since it's less despo I think and that it's easier. Somehow before Z gave me his profile, I managed to track him down as well. He's a pretty inactive user so there is not much photos, info or posts.

I guess I have to get to know him the normal way but I've made my move so now it is his turn. That is the way chess works. Yesterday I emailed the SG companies and asked about the status of my application. True enough the company that I thought showed more interest asked me to do a writing exercise in which I did but they found it too technical. I didn't get it when she replied with a feedback but I decided to rewrite and send it again.

No news as of now. But things did become better, as the guy added me back this morning and the company decided to give me a chance. If the ups on the rollercoaster continues going up, I might get lucky with the guy and the career. That is two birds in one stone. I am kind of re-thinking the SIA thing. It does seem appealing to go try out but even after sitting in the airplane three times these past month and I felt it was too much. Imagine going on everyday and serving people. Maybe  not for me. I'm too diva for that.

So things are looking good, and even if nothing comes to fruition, I'm glad I tried and enjoyed myself. Things are not so bad now as it seems. If I left, I would miss the boys. They have been really awesome business associates and its fun hanging out with them. Love them to bits. The travelling and not so taxing workload is also another plus and the near venue to my place. So it is really not that bad after all.

Maybe I have found it after all. The contentment part of my life, whether it is up or down on the rollercoaster.

Doing it again

After my trip down to SG for job interviews and all that, I am finally back home in one piece. The first interview didn't go too well, I think by now I know how to judge if an interview went well for me or not. Besides, if she was really my editor I think I might not be having an easy time. The second interview I went for was much better and the woman was quite friendly. I think if I ever got the job it would be the second one although she was quite hesitant to pay me my expected salary. Nevertheless, I'm wishing all the best for a job there, crossing my fingers. I don't think I want to go down for another rushed interview session unless it is super urgent and the company is willing to pay me well.

So then the next day I came to work as usual. I decided to come up with Plan B, as most intelligent people will do. I tried to find other jobs, in case these don't turn out well. Searched job sites, other industries and talked to those who offered me jobs in Malaysia. I'm not really keen on those and to be honest it is not that bad back here. So we shall see how it goes. Man can plan but it is God who opens up doors.

I said earlier that if I don't get through the first interview with SIA then I won't try again. However, I am tempted to try my luck again since it is only two weeks away. I feel that I am more confident this time around and can probably make it through. Besides, my age is catching up on me and if I don't try I will never know. So as of right now my Plan B is SIA if the SG jobs don't have positive results. If SIA doesn't turn out as well, maybe I should search for PR jobs in SG. I know I am very focused on SG but only because I find that my career will expand more there and that I will gain more exposure.

Also, another thing that attracts me to that place is the money. I can really save from there and be able to purchase a property, perhaps support my family and do things that I like. If I fly, I would be able to save more and then the money will benefit me in the future. But like I said, my life is in His hands so I am going to put my trust in Him and pray that things will go well. For he does good for those who love Him.

Every night I read the Bible and pray and I believe that I am getting closer to him. There was a time back then where I felt more real but He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. So in any case that I feel far away from him, I know that His love remains and that I shall not worry. Right now my main philosophy in life is living in the now and that is what I'm going to do. I'm not going to worry about tonight, tomorrow, next week, next two weeks, next year. All I am going to concentrate is the present and put my trust in the Lord.

Finer things in life

Before the natural disaster happened in Japan, all I ever thought was when will the companies that I have applied jobs for reply me. Or about my lack of funds and my plan to save to go to UK. Or thinking about boys again. Now that the earthquake happened, it sort of opened up my eyes to see things that are more important in life. Like, what I have in my life now. Things to be thankful for. People whom I care about. Family that I should not take for granted. Because with one snap of the finger, everything is gone. Washed away. The life of someone. The life that could have been me.

I hear of friends' friend dying in a car accident. I hear of a friend getting mugged and attacked severely. And all I do is complain that I cannot afford a Balenciaga bag. Even during the weekend, after I went for a Pushmore session, I was adamant about joining - without thinking about the amount of money I have to spend. I already have paid gym membership and downloaded Insanity program for me at home. What more can I ask?

So instead of complaining about this and that, I decided to take charge of my life. Wanna lose weight? Quit complaining, start eating healthy and finish the Insanity program. I don't have any distractions such as trips anymore so no excuses. Food is provided at home daily so I don't even have to spend a single cent. Furthermore, I needed to understand the value of money and how important it is to give so I donated some money to the quake and pledge to give some money to church building fund. Although it is not much (I think I spend more in a week), it is at least something and I feel pretty good after giving.

As for the job and guys, when it comes it will come so I can stop being so anxious about it. My obsession with working out has to stop too. Thinking about it the whole day won't help me lose calories. Just carry on with my life, what I'm doing NOW and when the time comes, then work out. Every second of our lives are precious so pay 100% attention to it before it is too late. Someone in Japan was probably working, thinking about his family and maybe wanting to have dinner with them. But his life was cut short. Or some child is at school, studying hard for his exam. He never knew that he will never be able to do it anymore.

So many things have been taken granted, especially for me. My faith, my salvation, my life, my family, my job, my own self. Now it is time to embrace what I have, love life and live because life happens only once.

Caught in the middle

So it has been more than a year now that I am in this company. I experienced what it is like to have my first job, meet colleagues, part with them, have office politics, make friends and so on. There were times when I feel that we are okay and sometimes I find something is off and that I can't put my finger on what it was. Nevertheless it has been a good experience. But now it is time to move on and I can't just sit here and wait for something to happen. Luckily I have taken a few steps to move jobs and I applied to three other publications. It is a good thing that I made sure that the new publications I applied to were reputable ones. The biggest mistake an employee can make is to join a lousy company. Currently, the company I am in is not lousy per se but I am just way underpaid. Sure, there are perks but in the long run, what good are these perks anyway?

A change of environment would be a good thing too. I have been getting bored at work lately as I am pretty efficient and I finish my work faster. This can be a good and a bad thing. A good thing because it benefits the company and a bad thing because I get bored at work and I end up doing mindless surfing or watching videos to kill time. I want to get paid to work and not just sit around doing nothing. Probably that is one of the reasons why I feel that it is time to leave, since I have already learned stuff from here and maybe someplace else can teach me more about my industry. Besides, I have nothing to lose since I am still young and I am qualified to command a better salary. Let's just hope that the companies that I have applied for reply me soon. I believe I have a lot to offer and that I can do a better job than here. There was a period when I was actually contented here but now that I look at it closely, it resembles complacency. To expand and learn more would require me to move so like I said, I shall just wait for the reply and keep my fingers crossed.

Lighthouse

So today I went there again, and I knew he wouldn't be there because he's halfway across the world, halfway in his month-long trip. Then I saw the other guy. The guy who eagerly wanted to get to know me the first time we met but subsequently gave me a cold shoulder every time I come across him. It gets to me, this hot and cold attitude but I never did understand guys anyway. That weekend was just a moment of pride that someone could actually be attracted to me. Its been ages since I had that feeling. But what is physical attraction anyway? The first impression does count so we can't just discount the fact that the first thing we see about someone will determine if we want to get to know them better.

So Mr.Hot and Cold was just being an ass and even though I smiled and acknowledged him, he just ignored me or totally forgot that the first time he met me, he just couldn't get his eyes off me and followed me around. I guess guys are like that huh? They see something they like and they chase after it for awhile and when they see something better, they forgot the first thing they saw and go for the second one. Man, I feel like a used wad of tissue even though we didn't even get pass a handshake. Are women objectified that way? We are like expensive cars and once the guy get a better car, he leaves the old one?

But enough of words dedicated to Mr.Hot and Cold. He had enough time in my thoughts just now and I just want to rid every memory  of him and write him off as another jerk. 

Now we get to the best part. Mr. Elusive who just went backpacking on the other side of the world has caught my eye 3 years ago. Only recently I had the chance to speak to him. On the 2/10/2010. Very memorable date alright. Mr. Elusive is not dodgy. He won't make a pass at a girl if she is alone and when he initiates a conversation with a girl, usually he does it in a group so it does not look like he was trying to hit on her.

I like this kind of guys and so far, he has not done anything wrong that gives him any red flags. In fact, after this long period of seeing from afar, and wondering where he is, and entertaining the thoughts of him, he seems like a very intriguing personality I want to get to know.

Although, I have no idea what my chances are with him I have an ounce of hope knowing that he will be back next month and I can actually say I know him. We may actually start talking and be friends and who knows, start hanging out often and...I think I shall keep my hopes till that. If I hope too much, it might end up like the Only One who actually got married last year, dashing all kinds of hope. That was one of the stupidest things I have ever done, fantasizing him as Mr.Right and painting an immaculate picture of him when we weren't even friends to begin with. 

Mr. Elusive, oh how your boyish looks makes me nervous when you are near. How you always leave so early and my eyes roam the hall, searching for you. When you had the longish hair that first caught my eye and the way you observed me during camp. I looked so different then. So did you.I just want to know you a little bit more.

Hopefully when you come back here you will be interested to know me. I may look unapproachable and I may get jittery around you but deep in my heart, there is nothing else in the world I want more than getting to know you. 3 years was a long wait and I hope you're not seeing anyone. Seeing you in two weeks time, Mr. Elusive.

Love is a gamble

Like playing poker, you gotta know your cards and anticipate what card the dealer is going to put on the table next. Make sure you bet what you can afford with the confidence that all five cards will give you a Straight Flush or Two Pairs and whatever winning hand that is. Because once you have placed your bets, put your chips into the pool you can't get them out but just to fold.

I learned one thing about gambling and that is don't go all in when your hand is not good enough or if the next move might make you lose everything.

Same goes for loving. 

Jesus, please take the wheel

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy
With the baby in the backseat

Fifty miles to go and she was running low
On faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year

She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning
On a thin black sheet of glass

She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was so scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own

I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat
Sleeping like a rock

And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life

I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own

I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on

Oh Jesus, take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go

So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, ooh